Date: November 3rd 2022

“And Sarai, the wife of Avram, ‘took’ her maidservant Hagar the Egyptian…. And gave her as a wife to her husband Avram.” (Bereishis 16:3)
Rashi, quoting the Medrash Rabbah (45:3), comments – “This means that she ‘took’ her with words (she convinced Hagar to marry Avraham by saying) fortunate are you that you have merited to attach yourself to such a holy body.

The commentary of the Yefe Toar on the Medrash (ibid) questions why it was necessary for Sarah to convince Hagar to marry Avraham. Why would Hagar refuse such an opportunity? The Yefe Toar answers that perhaps since she was the daughter of a king, she would aspire to marry a man her own age and refuse an older man such as Avraham.

Hagar was the daughter of Pharaoh, King of Mitzrayim. She willingly left the comforts and status of her life as a princess in the most powerful country in the world. She did this to enter into the service of Avraham and Sarai’s household, an isolated nomadic family with no country at all. It is difficult to imagine a greater decline in status than going from a royal princess to a slave woman. Nevertheless, Hagar accepted this drastic change because she understood that even a lowly slave in the household of such an exalted tzaddik was a better station than to be a princess in Egypt.

How can it be, when the very same person is faced with the opportunity to become the wife of the very same tzaddik that she would have any reservations? After many years as a member of their household she surely had a much greater understanding of their teachings and a deep appreciation for Avraham’s perfection and holiness. In addition to all of his spiritual accomplishments and personal greatness, Avraham was also wealthy, powerful, famous, and respected by all.

A careful reading of the Yefe Toar yields an even greater question. It would be somewhat more understandable if Hagar’s reservation was founded on the mere physical differences in age between herself and Avraham. Yet the Yefe Toar does not say that her reticence was because of her age. Rather he says “Due to her being the daughter of a king…” it was her royal lineage that was the source of her reservations. How can it be that her royal status did not prevent her from accepting a life of servitude coming from a position of a princess, yet the very same drive could hold her back from a major advancement in both spiritual and material achievements going from the position of a slave woman to being a mistress of Avraham’s house?

It seems that, for whatever reason, Hagar was more capable of the incredible sacrifice of accepting servitude than of marrying someone less befitting her royal status. Apparently, she harbored a unique sensitivity to entering into a marriage under circumstances that were not appropriate to royalty. We can learn from here a fascinating insight into normal human psychology. A person can behave in ways that seem starkly contradictory on the surface yet on a deeper level both behaviors are consistent within their personality makeup.

A theoretical example of this dynamic may be a person who is naturally shy yet is able to perform in a very public and high-pressure situation such as public speaking or performing in front of a crowd if it is for something that they are deeply passionate about. The very same person may be unable to assert themselves to advance their career in a different setting in the workplace although the reward is greater and the pressure far less. If a person does not understand that this reaction could be very natural, they could be very distressed about their inability to overcome their inhibitions. Similarly, if a person is in a close relationship with someone, they may encounter situations where the other person acts in a way that on the surface seems incomprehensibly inconsistent. If one appreciates the possibility that these behaviors can actually be natural and congruous on a deeper level, they would be much more capable of accepting them.

Although it is true that people have the capacity to act in ways that are very self-contradictory and hypocritical there is also a dynamic where seemingly contradictory behaviors are not inconsistent at all. While it is difficult to ascertain the difference between the two, a proper appreciation of this insight could be very helpful in gaining a better and truer understanding of ourselves and the people in our lives.

Have a wonderful Shabbos,



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