Date: December 5th 2022

Hi Everyone,

This past weekend our site was down, and we were unable to send out the dvar before Shabbos. Please accept our apologies. Fortunately, it is now back up. We are sending out the dvar now in case any of you would like to still read it.

Enjoy!


Parshas Vayetzei follows the incredible Journey of Yaakov, starting out as a fugitive from his parents’ home and through the treachery of Lavan to becoming the father of eleven of the twelve tribes of Israel. After amassing great wealth over a period of 20 years in the house of Lavan, Yaakov began to sense hostility from Lavan’s family, at which time Hashem appeared to him and instructed him to return to his homeland.

Yaakov called his wives out to the field to discuss the matter of leaving Charan. The pasuk describes that Yaakov first told them about the mistreatment he received from Lavan and only afterward did he mention that Hashem had commanded him to leave. The Ralbag, in lesson 32, extrapolates an important lesson on how a person should deal with members of his household from the words of Yaakov. He says that if a person needs something from a member of his family, he should avoid compelling them to do his will by force, rather he should work hard to sway them so that they become inspired to do what he wants on their own. We see this from Yaakov because he first spoke convincingly to his wives so that they would understand why they had to leave their father’s house and only at the end did he tell them of Hashems explicit command to do so.

It is well known that people naturally resist being forced to behave or act in a certain fashion and that if you can get ‘buy-in’ from someone they will have a stronger commitment to the plan than if they are simply coerced. However, the Ralbag reveals just how fundamental and incredibly powerful this tendency is. If Yaakov wanted to influence his wives to go along with his plan to leave he could have gone about it in a number of ways. As the leader of the family, he could have just told them outright that the family had to leave, alternatively, he could have explained the reasons it was the right thing for them to do, or lastly, he could have revealed that Hashem had so commanded.

Yaakov’s wives were women of great spiritual attainment. They were the mothers of the Jewish nation, they experienced prophecy. In short, they were some of the greatest spiritual giants ever to walk the earth. People of their spiritual stature possess an understanding and appreciation for the Word of Hashem that is far more profound than anything we could understand. They were completely committed to serving Hashem with every ounce and fiber of their being. Could there be a greater motivating force than a direct command from Hashem? In addition, the directive was delivered by Yaakov to his wives. Yaakov was a great tzaddik. As such his words held great power and were certainly delivered with wisdom and sensitivity, especially to his own wives. We have to assume that had Yaakov told them initially of Hashems command they would have responded with total and wholehearted commitment. Nevertheless, even in such an extreme case, the human tendency to resist being made to do somethi
ng by force is so profound that on some infinitesimal level a tiny spark of reticence would have remained deep in the recesses of their psyche. This an almost astounding manifestation of this trait and it illustrates the profundity and power of this human tendency. If someone is forced into something, it is a guarantee that they will experience a feeling of resistance at least on some level.

This idea has broad application in how a person in an authority position such as a parent, spouse, teacher, boss, or supervisor should behave in his interactions with others. In each scenario there are often situations that arise that require direction, redirection, or instruction and where the authoritative party has the ability to demand it from another person. An example could be a teacher who wants her students to study and apply themselves to attain mastery of a difficult subject. She could assign the work, hold students accountable, and give quizzes, tests, and grades. However, if she is able to talk to her students about the value of learning and the benefits of understanding the material they are studying in a way that gets them to truly value the fruits of their efforts, they will be far more committed to the learning process.

It takes time, effort, thoughtfulness, and skill to be able to work with others to bring their way of thinking along in the direction that it needs to go. Based on the lesson of the Ralbag, if one desires to be a more effective leader, he will recognize that it is well worth the effort.

Have a wonderful week,




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